Clean-Up Batter (continued)



Kids seeking a platform to release their inner struggles need to know that they can trust their mom and dad. Consider this segment from Reid’s book:

"You both make me feel like I have nothing to worry about when you’re around. I admire both of you. So, it’s confusing to me when I hear you say bad things about each other or make bad faces when you talk about each other. I hear and see it all! Remember when you taught me everything about strangers and “bad” people? Well, now you’re talking about each other as though you were one of them. How can this be when I love you so much? I need to trust you both. I don’t want to lose everything! Don’t try to change my mind with things I don’t understand. Let me love each of you for who you are to me at this point in my life. (p. 28)"

In an effort to overcome those feelings of failure, Reid explains, we may experience a persistent urge to blame the other partner. If they hadn’t done this or that, or if they weren’t like this or that, we could have worked it out. In "39 Steps," Reid warns that children exposed to adult disappointments, situations that kids are not mature enough to fully understand, makes children confused and “erodes” their trust in both parents. The peacekeeper parent should create an atmosphere of love and harmony, allowing her children to feel good about loving the other parent

“Creating balance in a home is not an easy thing to do. It’s something you have to walk out everyday,” Reid says. She advises parents hold their tongue, and learn how not to talk about the absent parent. Surrounding yourself with peers is a good start. The author says parents need to find their own outlet, where venting and receiving good counsel takes place. “You want a group of people that can give good advice, and not just back up your thoughts,” Reid says. In times of difficulty, friends should help one another grow and move forward.

For some single parents, being incapable of releasing past hurts stems from childhood disappointments.

“Many adults are children of divorce still suffering the pain of divorce as adults,” says Reid. Pain has continued because no one was there to help the parent/child process their emotions. “Decades ago, divorce was a stigma of failure, where parents told their kids not to talk about it.” This “secret pain” grows up with the adult and is revealed through dysfunctional friendships and relationships. This child, now an adult, was never taught how to resolve things properly in their own home.

As peacekeepers, single parents must have hope for themselves and their children, according to Reid. “Divorce is an event. It does not define your life. You have to figure out how to get past this obviously negative situation, and use what is learned from this experience to live a more productive life.”

Because kids require so much, Reid suggests parents practice “turning off” thoughts, placing the emotional baggage on the back burner. That “stuff,” Reid says, can be picked up later during prayer or down time alone. Teens also learn to process pain when they’re told by a parent that dad is “having a moment” and needs a little time alone to process thoughts. During reflection time, consider the value of harboring thoughts of bitterness, anger and envy. Reid says meditating on thoughts that bring no positive value leads to depression.

Instead, Reid says, parents need to discover the joy hidden beneath the ashes of sorrow. Even when it feels like there’s nothing left, count your children as blessings. Use the joy you have for your children in daily adventures. Happiness, Reid says, helps engage children in positive emotions and thinking, drawing out promise and destiny that’s potentially locked behind the feelings of loneliness and guilt caused by divorce.

Playing clean-up batter and peacekeeper in a single parent-home requires agility. Like a batter facing a tough pitcher, single parents must maneuver through life’s disappointments and pain, providing unconditional love and healing.

For more titles by E.R. Reid, visitwww.erreid.com and www.fruitiononline.com.



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Angela D. Scott lives in the Los Angeles area and is the Special Sections Editor, L.A. Parent. This professional writer is a single mother of two daughters, Shani and Samara.

June 8, 2004