CelebratingChildren.com: Considering you have three children in all levels of school, how are you coping with this situation?

Niecy Nash: Girl it's new levels, new devils. These kids nowadays get real crafty. I have to remember how I was at their ages ­ their mentality. I take it in consideration when I have to discipline any of my kids. And I try to remember how I was at their age. My momma used to tell me, "There ain't nothing new under the sun!" Meaning, anything you can think about doing, I have already done it. Growing up in my family, there were two of us. It was me and my brother, and I was the oldest.

CC: How is it with your kids now stepping into the teen and tween years?

NN: My son, Dominic, is taller than I am and he's 14. Donielle, she's 11 and still shorter, and my baby Dia is 6. Middle school is interesting because children are at different levels in the game. They have been socialized in different ways so you're dealing with a lot of personalities. They all converge into this one place - school. Some are coming from the private school sector. They have led a very sheltered experience and some have
practically raised themselves. And some of them have already had some sort of sexual orientation. When you put your baby in the midst, you pray that they migrate toward the ones who've had some decent home training. One thing is the same for all of the children, no matter what their experiences are ­ they think they know everything. So for me, it's really at that point where you have to give your children enough rope to experience some things. But, hold it tight enough where if you need to snatch it back you can. You don't let them hang themselves.

CC: How do you feel about kids and cell phones? Is it a necessary evil?

NN: At one point they all had a cell phone. That's way different from when I was going to school. You put the key on the string, and you go home after school. Then you go home unlock the door, go inside and put the bolt on door. That was it and you didn't let anyone in the house until mama and daddy got home from work. At first I was saying, "What do you need a cell phone for ­ who are you calling?" Then, I realized, it's a convenience for parents too. You can actually keep up with them. I'm not so much worried about who my kids are calling ­ they don't talk on the phone that much. And when you send your child over to spend the night at a friend's house, if something goes down, your child can call and let you know what's going on. There are some children who may try to abuse it. But for the most part, my kids have sense enough not to abuse the phone. And, the cell phone companies have become so advanced, and they've gotten a little more savvy. If my kids come home and nobody is home, they have to call. If they are going to be
late for any reason, they have to call. Sometimes, even you need to give the kids information.

You have to call the school, they have to write a note and send it to class by another student and you hope that your child gets the note before school lets out. I'm not afraid of technology and I could care less about keeping up with the Joneses. I'm more concerned with keeping up with my children and being able to communicate with them well. So my two oldest kids have the basic cell phone with prepaid minutes. It's not sparkling. It doesn't have a ring tone or the bling bling. It's a basic communication device.

CC: How do you prevent outrageous cell phone bills?

NN: That's another way to teach responsibility. After I bought my oldest son his cell phone, he just knew that he had the hook-up. And then, his minutes ran out. His friends asked him why his phone was off and he didn't realize it. So, he asked me to get more minutes on his phone. But I was like, "No. When you get money for birthdays or allowance, you better put some money on your minutes." I got the party started and added the minutes, but it was up to him after that. It teaches them responsibility and gets them prepared for paying their own bills once they start college or finish high school.

CC: You've got all the answers on "Clean House" teaching those parents how to involve their kids in household chores. But, how do you handle chores in your own home?

NN: Some chores are age specific and some of it is also gender specific. I make the boy take the trash out because he should. The girl could, but I make him. Even with the littlest Mohican, she has chores. For her, we moved the rod in the closet down so that she can put everything on a hangar. The middle girl is in there washing dishes and the boy may be mopping the floor. The baby is putting all her toys in the toy box and hanging up her clothes. And everybody in there knows how to use the vacuum cleaner. And they all have a responsibility with the dog. The boy takes him for a walk, the middle girl will make sure the food and water is refilled. And when he comes back from his walk, the baby has to go out and play with him. I was tickled to death when I came home and found them sweeping the driveway that my mom had them doing when I was out of town. So much that I had to add that to my list of chores.

CC: Do you follow any certain routine as far as preventing a chaotic schedule with three kids?

NN: Me and my husband just try to make sure that our kids get their homework done before they turn on the TV, go outside and play or get on the phone. I think having a consistent structure ­ an order to the day is most important. We come home, we have a snack, we watch TV, we have dinner, we play board games and we go to bed. I try to keep a formula.

CC: Everyone has a method of discipline. Do you spare the rod or use it when opportunity presents itself?

NN: It depends on the offense. If my children have been arguing with each other, I will sometimes make them stand in the corner and hug each other. And they stare daggers in each other's face. And they stand long enough until their heart softens and they start to giggle. I just make them love on each other. In this way they learn that above all, love is most important. When not listening, I make them stand and keep their arms out to their side until they say their arms are burning. Or I make them stand on one foot or if they really do something bad at school ­ they will get a spanking. We break out the belt. But even that is an event in my house. Whichever one is getting a whooping, I will make the other two stand outside the bedroom door and not be present. My husband and I both share the discipline.

CC: Since your husband is a pastor, how do manage to successfully incorporate a sense of spirituality in your home? Do you feel it's necessary?

NN: Having a sense of spirituality ­ believing in God and a higher power is extremely important for today's families. It is the leading way to prevent anarchy and chaos in our society. When you are your own authority, you have problems! When there isn't a reverence, a fear or yielding to a power other than yourself, you run the risk of being selfish, self-righteous and out of control! When you are your own governor, you give yourself too much liberty ­ liberty that can get you in trouble. God is the authority in our family. I ask my kids, "Did you pray about it?" We started praying for the kids when
they were babies, and we started to pray with them as they got older. My son went through a season where everybody was telling on him, and my husband stopped and asked him if he ever stopped to think that maybe it was God telling on him. And that God wants the best for you and trying to reveal these things to your parents because he wants the best for you. And when you're not doing the best, don't you think God wants it to be known? We try to relate everything to their level because God holds us all accountable for our understanding.

CC: Do you ever find yourself discussing child discipline with other parents?

NN: Talking to another parent about how to discipline their child is the most sensitive subject in the world. How do you tell somebody else about their kids when it's unsolicited advice? That doesn't buy you a lot ­ not even a cup of coffee. Even in my home makeover show, sometimes you come in and the kids are out of control. There's a way to approach the issue without offending parents. You have to first have a conversation that says there's a new sheriff in town. You have to acknowledge that there hasn't been order in the past. But now things are going to be different. Step 2 ­ Children get out of control when there is not gratitude. You have to show them that they live here rent-free and there's no foreclosure on their living space. Let them know that everything they have is earned.

Tell them, "Every time you go in the fridge and there's food to eat ­ that's me loving you. When you go to closet and can't figure out what to wear because you have an abundance of clothes ­ that's me loving you." Teach them the qualities of being grateful. But when you're not grateful, they just think they're supposed to be that way, you've got problems. Now, you're talking about going in and changing things before your child starts to treat you like he's the parent and you're the child. You need to lay out a basis of gratitude ­ a clear foundation of how you're going to do it differently. Make it plain, "Yes mommy is going to be responsible for buying clothes, but you're going to be responsible for washing clothes. Mommy is going to buy the groceries, but you're going to make sure that the fridge is clean." You have to be consistent in all things. It's the key to everything ­ a good marriage, relationship and business. Be consistent and committed in all things ­ that's the key.

However, every baby is different. And, you have to tailor what it is you do or don't do for each child. One child, you may sit them down and tell them you're disappointed and they just break down. Another child, you just have to reach for the belt. My middle child just falls apart when I take away the TV. So, it's knowing how to dole out consequences for bad behavior. Recently, I was trying on a gown in a store and a baby was running all wild in the store. And I asked, "Whose baby is this?"And this lady came up all embarrassed and she had to get her child. Oh, I'm not ashamed to point it out and demand that a parent be responsible for their child's behavior. Or, when we're in a restaurant and the child is hitting you all in the head at the next booth. I will ask the child and then ask the mother to correct their child. Sure they may give me looks. But at the end of the day, that child is no longer acting bad or rudely.

Niecy Nash has appeared in the films, Boys on the Side, opposite Whoopi Goldberg, Guess Who?, opposite Bernie Mac and Ashton Kutcher as well as Hair Show with Mo'Nique. You can catch her on the Style Network's #1 home makeover series, Clean House and on Comedy Central's hit, Reno 911!

Angela Scott is a nationally-syndicated award-winning writer on parenting issues. She lives in Los Angeles with her two children.

July 6, 2006