No More Options (continued)
Take Control
“You have to hit them where it hurts, not necessarily physically,
but take away activities that will make a child really understand
that what they are doing is wrong,” says Helen Smith, a mother
of three with five grandkids and two great-grandchildren. She says
consistent discipline is the key to treating NMP. For more than 30
years, Smith has been a caregiver, assisting in afterschool and summer
daycare for her family. Smith says kids consistently act disobedient
without fear of reprimand because the children know that their parents
are too tired to punish them. “Once your kids are done acting
up with you, they’ll go on and act unmanageable at school. As
adults, they become extremely self-centered, are way out of control
and cause all kinds of problems on their jobs,” Smith says.
Child development experts agree that excessive pampering is damaging
to a child, while improperly training a child with necessary life
skills can be just as harmful. Here are a few tips to prevent and
treat NMP:
• Take the dominant role in parenting. NMP is common among single
parents because the parent-child relationship becomes blurred, according
to Darnella Ford, a single mom and author of “Rising”
(2003) and “Crave” (2004). She is re-training her 6 year-old
daughter who also suffers from NMP. Ford believes “When there’s
only one parent and one or two kids, then it’s easy to become
a 50-50 parent-child household, where the child has a dominant voice
in what goes on in the home,” Ford says.
Many single parents cite guilt as a major factor
in allowing their children to “roam free” without fear
of consequences. Overcompensating for the absence of the other parent
causes some single parents to avoid disciplining children. Thus, children
“speak out” and operate in a parent role in the family
– a concept unhealthy for the child, primary parent and everyone
involved with the child.
When parenting based upon a parent’s own “birth order”
childhood experiences, the dominant voice of the parent becomes skewed,
thrown out of the window, and results in NMP. Birth order affects
both the parent and child, whereas, the parent attempts to compensate
for his or her own childhood trauma. Parents must remember to grow
from their past with closure – not suffocate from childhood
humiliation and pain.
• Set boundaries. According to Cheryl Erwin, a family therapist
and co-author of more than 10 Positive Discipline books and resources
(www.primapublishing.com),
“Kids need to have boundaries that are enforced with respect
and kindness, and not with anger and force.” She recommends
parents establish boundaries that transfer from home to public places
in order for children to remain clear on what’s expected in
terms of behavior issues.
• Maintain consistency with discipline issues by reaffirming
the dominant voice of the parent in the parent-child relationship.
In other words, “no” means no. Remember that saying, “give
an inch and they’ll take a yard?’ Don’t reward punishment
with positive accolades to quiet a temper tantrum. Take a positive
discipline approach by using positive speak and affirmations, where
the reward is only released when the negative behavior is changed.
Begin by reaffirming in that child that your love and concern for
him or her is the primary reason why the behavior must change. Question
every negative behavior and model how the behavior could be avoided.
Implement consequences for every bad behavior, meaning, wrong is wrong
– there is no “slightly” wrong.
Dr. Kerby Alvy, founder of Center for the Improvement of Child Caring,
has created numerous parenting resources for culture-specific issues
that arise when raising children of color. To order materials, visit
his Web site at www.ciccparenting.org.
• Don’t allow fatigue to hinder parenting decisions. Exhaustion
also plays a huge factor in parents becoming lax in the disciplining
of children. “After dealing with work and the career ambitions
associated with work, along with a terrible commute and trying to
get home in time to pick up your child from school, you are wiped
out,” Ford explains. “It takes a lot of energy to remain
firm, and this is where your child gets you – on those little
challenges like what they want to wear for school or what they want
to eat for dinner.” Although exhausted, a parent must remain
alert of what the child is or isn’t doing. When the “envelope”
has been pushed too far, count to 10, and then speak with a clear
head.
Your actions and words are forever embedded
into a growing spirit that carries the same fatigue, anger, love and
ambition that you carry. The above tips are a good start for treating
NMP. Both Ford and I have witnessed the progressive recovery of our
kids. We’ve immediately experienced less stress-induced headaches,
worries and embarrassing moments at the mall
The following are also good reads, when you have time:
:: “Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide
for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent
and Energetic” by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Perennial Press, 1998.
:: “Smart Discipline: Fast, Lasting, Solutions For Your Child’s
Self-Esteem and Your Peace of Mind” by Larry J. Koenig, First
Honor Resources/Quill, 2004
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Angela D. Scott lives in the Los Angeles area and is the Special Sections
Editor, L.A. Parent. This professional writer is a single mother of
two daughters, Shani and Samara.
March 30, 2004
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