Single Parenting 101: Survial Tips from the Trenches
by Angela Scott

Your workday was rough. Leftovers are gone and you didn't plan for tonight's dinner. On the way home from your 8-year-old son's basketball practice, you discover he hung out with friends after school instead of going to study hall to do homework. By the time you open your apartment door, the day's grind has reached maximum level. Too pooped to cook and too stressed out to help solve 15 word problems. Worst of all, there's no second parent around to help pick up the slack. What's a single parent to do? Here are a few helpful tips to help navigate your endless marathon.

1. Make Plans for the Night
With a precocious 3-year-old at her side, Sheree Thompson wholeheartedly believes in planning before the evening kicks in. She makes it a point during the last 10 minutes of each workday to sketch out her family plans for the evening. Thompson, a busy single mom, says if a blueprint is not in place, her evening ends in chaos.

"I write down the things that I need to that evening: what we're going to have for dinner and any activity that I'm going to do with him. I have to know what I have to do that evening before I get home, or else it's a bad evening."

Having counseled numerous families as a clinical psychologist in Los Angeles, Nina Grimes Stewart says if nothing else, planning provides a launching pad for parents to build upon.

"We often feel more in control and less anxious when we can see a list of our tasks and cross them off a list, as opposed to allowing the thoughts to overwhelm our mind," Stewart explains. She says if plans go off without a hitch, then reward yourself at the end of the evening with an extended shower, a cup of tea or a positive phone call.

2. Take a Private Time Out
Life is unpredictable and lends itself to moments of sheer madness. When those crazy times come your way, de-stress.

"Lock yourself in the bathroom if that's the only place you have to escape" advises Stewart. She says before hitting the high road, give your child a light snack (or some specific activity to do). "And while they are preoccupied, take a few minutes just to stretch, or sit quietly and take a deep breath," says Stewart.

She also recommends giving yourself a few minutes before starting the evening routine to reflect on what was positive about the day and what you have to be grateful for. For some, learning to take a quick time is crucial.

"It's only a short time, but can mean the difference between forging ahead through the evening, and feeling that you are at your brink," Stewart says.

Thompson agrees. The 31-year-old single mom has taught her 3-year-old son Amiri how to sit and eat quietly once the two arrive home after a busy day. During that time, Thompson says she either sits there with her son or breaks for the bathroom.

"It's just a minute for me to let go and not bring my work home," explains Thompson.

Bringing work home can be a travesty for all. When there's an unusual amount of silence, children will feel neglected due to a parent's preoccupied thoughts. And, when an influx of adrenaline hits the room, the busy energy becomes contagious, which can lead to emotional rainstorms.

3. Go With the Flow
Whether it's unexpectedly changing the dinner menu or attending an unplanned parent-teacher meeting, you (mom or dad) should always be willing and ready to go with the flow. Parenting is about nurturing and preparing the child. Fulfilling such duties requires sacrificing and taking "one" for the team.
Childhood is an ever-evolving entity. Thus, our role as single parents and primary nurturers should exemplify our talent for easily adapting to altering circumstances.

"Depending upon Amiri's mood, if I notice that he's being especially clingy, then I have to shift things and change my plans," Thompson admits. She says that she's exceptionally sensitive of her son's emotions. "As a mom raising a son alone, I am mindful of what he's thinking and how he feels because I want him to always feel secure."

Should you find yourself frequently changing plans to accommodate your child's interests and needs, consider evaluating the parent-child relationship. It may be that a role reversal has taken place, where your child mastered the skill of manipulating you.

4. Let Your Child Love Both Parents
"Sometimes a parent will say it is important for their child to 'know the truth,' but what they really want is to pit the child against the other parent," Stewart says.
While this situation should never occur, it unfortunately it exists and the consequences never end on a positive note. The parent has created an "ally" who is now forced to make adult decisions from a child's perspective. And, more importantly, a child is exposed to damaging information that could affect his or her future relationship with the other parent.

"Children need to be allowed the space to make their own judgments about their parents, and to establish different relationships with them than perhaps the parents have with each other," advises Stewart.

5. Join a Support Group
In these times of the supermom and superdad mentality, single parents find themselves leading the pack without stopping to refuel, reinvent or re-engage. As a result single parents go into manual overdrive and burnout. Sickness and emotional fatigue sets in and the child is often the brunt of backlash. Avoid the fast track to burnout be joining a support group.

"Both in-person and on-line parenting support groups can be helpful in providing unlimited resources, advice, and just lending an ear when we need to vent. And we DO need to vent," Stewart recommends.

She says oftentimes just hearing about another parent's challenges demonstrates that no one is "going through it" alone.

Stewart adds, "And we're not the only ones that don't have all the answers; becoming aware of how others may have successfully handled similar issues, can provide us with invaluable coping techniques and problem-solving resources."
Support groups such as MOCHA Moms, ParentsWithoutPartners and SingleParents.com are great platforms to create friendships, playmates for kids and discover new ways to approach single parenting.

When asked about additional tips, Thompson who's called "The Oracle" by her closest friends came up with the following:

(1.) Fall in Love with Your Life - because it's yours and if you feel ashamed about your life, then your children will pick up on that.

(2.) Spend Time with Your Children - Do not run errands or conduct any kind of "busy work," but stop, smell the flowers and take moments to enjoy life together.

(3.) Keep It Tight - You're still single, and if you still desire to date again, be whole so that you can attract a whole partner. So, take care of yourself: physically, mentally and spiritually. Just taking care of yourself and just knowing where you are resonates. You feel good about yourself and your kids see that.

Enjoy the journey - it's irreplaceable and you're creating stepping stones for future generations.

Angela D. Scott lives in the Los Angeles area and is the Special Sections Editor, L.A. Parent. This award-winning professional writer is a single mother of two daughters, Shani and Samara.

February 28, 2006