My Final Frontier
by Kamyra L. Harding

In her column MY FINAL FRONTIER Kamyra Harding uses humor and personal experience to explore parenting and family from a womanist perspective. Kamyra has a fifteen year track record of service in not-for-profit management and administration. She has worked with a variety of organizations including the United Nations Association of the USA and the American Red Cross in Greater New York. Kamrya resides in New York City with her husband and son.


Alice Walker states in her 1983 book In Search of Our Mothers' Gardens: Womanist Prose, "Womanist is to feminist as purple is to lavender." Before I learned the term, I was a proud womanist. A strong mother and feminist leaning father raised me. I attended a historically women's college and belong to women's organizations. Most of my volunteer and civic work has been cast on behalf of women and children. Yet, recently God blessed me with a boy-child.

I was not surprised when the doctor announced, "It's a boy." Deep in my soul I knew I'd deliver a boy. The same way I understood parenting him would be my greatest challenge. Although for two decades I instinctively felt I would birth a son, I spent my life preparing for a daughter. I practiced building girls' self-esteem by participating in mentoring programs. I also studied the effects of sexism on young ladies. I was ready to mold another womanist.

How do I, the champion of "Men are incomplete women" raise a son? I can teach him to be sensitive to women and believe in gender equality. But how do I teach him to be a man - a strong Black man, as African-American women are fond of saying? I don't know the unexpressed, pressures of men. I do know that raising a boy is more than an opportunity to create the perfect man. It's an obligation to understand the true definition of masculinity and interpret it so that your little mister can flourish in his surroundings. Let's face it. Being right isn't always the answer. What's the point of rearing the most politically correct man on the planet if he's a lonely, social outcaste?

Yes. His father, my husband, is his primary male role model. However, I obsess over my influence on our little master. I have a long list of concerns. For example, I believe a girl must stand up for herself and be assertive. However a boy, especially a Black one, must temper his aggression so that people feel comfortable around him. How do I teach him that without squashing his drive?

I'm learning the names of construction equipment while confronting my internalized sexism. A cookin'-n-cleanin' man is well-rounded and sexy. But, I'm disappointed when he can't master tools/technology or lift twice his bodyweight. As I struggle to help my son identify maleness, I have to restrain from influencing his perception with my prejudices.

I'm heartened to know that our son is a caring toddler. He voluntarily shares his bottle with Sunday school classmates, is concerned when Super Grover crashes during the opening of Sesame Street and displays sympathy for crying children. This is a quality I'd encourage in a son or daughter. Perhaps raising a caring person is enough? I give him the tools to be a good citizen and he can sort the gender issues. In the meantime, I'll balance the construction toys with kitchen time and caring for his look-a-like Cabbage Patch Doll.

The complexity of the nature versus nurture debate is confusing. It took me a few months to unmask the myth that boys and girls are the same until age three. No one can explain to me how or why but very early into our existence the brain establishes gender identity. Whether it's nature or nurture, many children follow gender stereotypes. There are exceptions. We label them Tom Boys and Sissies. Probably because of that most pick an approved side and stick with it. We can expand their views and soften the edges of these stereotypes but it's impossible to eliminate them. We're up against too much: estrogen, testosterone and popular culture. Should this factor into my parenting method? Who knows?

The only sure thing is that it's time for this womanist to think like a man or at least learn what they think. Along with my husband and our extended support network, I have to raise this boy to abide by our family code while staying true to himself and his definition of 'man'. These are the characteristics of a productive member of society - my true goal.

September 1, 2005