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Father's
Day: How Do You Celebrate the Absent Father?
by Tisha Tyler
 This
is my fourth attempt to complete this
month's Suddenly Single column.
Each time I think I've got the "flow"
and the words are falling where I want
them to, another situation springs from
out of the shadows. This time it's my
ex-husband -- he is behind in his share
of the payments to the after-school program
our daughter attends, as well as our son's
day school. Things have gotten so bad
that I have had to make some of his payments
just to keep the children from being ousted.
His rationale is that he doesn't have
the money for these expenses, and, according
to him, I'm not really paying his bill
-- I'm paying my bill.
I
explained to him that my account is paid-in-full
and that perhaps he should look into getting
another job if he's having trouble making
ends meet. After all, in my mind, a person
who lives free (his living expenses are
covered by the church he pastors), receives
a salary and has a wife should be able
to do at least as much as a single mama
in California. "Well, when I do pay
them then you can have them credit the
additional money that you paid to your
account. So, see, you aren't really paying
for me," he said. His rationale was
ridiculous, so I had to add my two cents:
"Meanwhile, if you don't pay I still
have to make payments for both of us."
However, he's not a bad person; it's just
that I am dedicated to ensuring that our
children reach and exceed who we are as
people, personally and professionally.
So,
after dealing with such issues, how do
I really feel about Father's Day? Well,
it's a holiday that I usually ignore.
Maybe it's not the best approach, but
I'm being honest. When I decided to write
about fathers for Suddenly Single,
it forced me to stop avoiding some very
real issues in my life and to face them
head on. Just as Spring is usually the
time we think about bringing order to
our homes and getting rid of stuff that
we have accumulated during the winter
months, it is also the perfect opportunity
to seek order within and to confront the
emotional clutter that we have been hiding
in the closets of our minds.
One
way that I have been seeking order is
to come to grips with the children's father
and the choices that he has made. He lives
in another state, therefore, finds it
difficult to be involved in the daily
lives of the children. At one point I
was so frustrated with him that I contemplated
asking him to relinquish his parental
rights altogether. Somehow I felt that
it would be easier for the children to
deal with if he didn't dip in and out
of their lives. But, I didn't do it. For
the sake of the kids I forced myself to
take a moment of introspection -- a midcourse
correction -- and then to begin to establish
some order within the confines of the
situation. Instead of looking at how little
he does, I decided to focus on the fact
that at least he does call them a couple
of times a month, and they can count on
receiving birthday gifts and Easter baskets
in the mail. He's also pretty good about
making sure that he pays his child support
in full and on time. Like Theodore Roosevelt
once said, "Do what you can, with
what you have, where you are."
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