Garnet's Journal

August 17, 2005

The Misdadventures of Garnet Paul Harding

Dear Reader,

Life is an adventure for kids. The view from down here is different. Most grown ups forget this when they play with us. My name is Garnet Paul Harding and this is my journal. I'm a baby boy. I live in Gotham. My parents are ancient; at least 7 or 8 years old. I'm their only child. They have no clue about what to do with me. This journal is a cry for help. Please rescue me from these two. They allow all kinds of things to happen to me. Less than a day after my arrival, without explanation, they carried me into a room where a masked man sharpened my pencil. How dare him! I was so upset that I baptized everyone in the room.

After a few weeks, I realized I'm in serious trouble. Come on! I must be the cutest thing these two have ever seen yet they aren't thrilled to play with me at 2:00 am. They shush and swing me. It's annoying. Sometimes I sleep just so that I don't have to be bothered with them.

One day the Mummy took off and left me with Papi. I was four weeks old, never separated from the Mummy and she just ran away. She left me to care for Papi and to drink milk out of a bottle. A bottle! How humiliating! The Mummy was almost trained. At the time Papi was still thinking for himself. All he had to do was as I demanded. He kept trying to force me to sleep so that he could talk into the small box and stare into the big one. That's no fun. I wanted him to read, sing and make faces. A baby needs his amusements. Good thing the Mummy couldn't make it on her own and returned home.

My next scare came when Papi went on a business trip. He left me alone with the Mummy all night. I was worried about her. That's why I screamed every time she fell asleep. That was a rough night for me.

My adventures get better as I grow older. Half way through my first year I decided to grab something shinny. I leapt from the Mummy's arms, fell, bounced off of the coffee table onto the wood floor. It took a few seconds before I realized that wasn't smart. I summoned all my might and yelled for an hour. I must confess, during times like that mummy gives the best magic hugs and kisses.

Don't tell them but I love my parents. They're capable of grand things. Sometimes they adore me for hours. That's the life. They take good care of me. Every night I thank God for my blessings and pray that all babies can have the same.

It's hard work being the baby in this house. Please stay tuned for more installments about my adventures, like the time I flew an airplane or when I threw a drumstick at the Mummy . . .

Garnet